The 10 Black Commandments
This is the if we weren’t in church right now I would drop kick you in the face look. Growing up with one foot in Canada and the rest of us in Detroit we’ve gone to all sorts of memorials and funerals. There have been beautiful tributes over the years but also some drama when folks should’ve pressed pause. Laying a loved one to rest is enough to break your spirit; if it doesn’t break your bank account first. We’re about to take a deep dive into 30 plus years of black funerals so hold your breath.
Here are 10 reasons we dread funerals so we really have to love you to attend.
Rule#1 If the pastor can’t get your name right they probably shouldn’t deliver the eulogy.
Rule#2 Stop bringing kids to the wake or body viewing. Our warped 8 year old ass dared a sibling to poke the body and they did it.
Rule#3 Stop the town crier before they get started. Yes we are talking about the loud inconsolable person who will drown out whoever is speaking.
Rule#4 Hide your cousin Jamal’s weed until after the funeral.
Rule#5 Walk away before you cuss your absentee grandmother out at the wake. (Guilty ✋🏾)
Rule#6 Don’t let the church or funeral home turn the service into a commercial to push their product.
Rule#7 When they are lowering the casket into the ground hold Aunt Ruth back from throwing her body on the casket. Yep that happened too.
Rule#8 If you’ve only given shower concerts don’t try to sing at the funeral.
Rule#9 This is for everyone who’s still blessed with breath in their body. Write down a list of people you want to speak at your funeral. The last thing you need is 3 misters or mistresses with outside babies lined up at the podium.
Rule#10 After the reception/repast take the keys from Uncle Jimmy he’s been drunk since 12am.
We lived through some crazy ass funerals so you don’t have to. These are the 10 Black Commandments!
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*Actress, writer, producer Issa Rae in featured image.